English Humour

Agyfárasztás – angolul. 🙂

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A lady is buying a lovely pen in a shop. It is for her son’s eighteenth birthday.
‘It will be a big surprise,’ says the shop assistant.
‘Absolutely. He thinks he is getting a sports car.’

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A man walks into an Italian restaurant.
‘A pizza with ham, please.’
‘Do you want me to cut it into four or eight pieces?’
‘Four, I can’t eat eight pieces.’

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‘Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Great! I never could before!’

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‘Mummy! Can I watch television?’
‘Yes, but don’t switch it on!’

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Two little boys are looking at an abstract painting in a museum. ‘Let’s run’, says one of them, ‘before they say we did it.’

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‘I didn’t know your son was such a good swimmer!’
‘He isn’t, but I have just thrown a penny into the water.’

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Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

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‘Violin for sale’ says a piece of paper on the gate of a house.
The next day someone writes another sentence under it, ‘Thank God for that.’

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Dying words of a famous Chicago gangster:
‘Who put that violin in my violin case?’

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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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